There is no hiding from the pain.  Sometimes, it’s the perfect attacker, hiding behind closed doors and sharp corners, pouncing on its prey at random intervals.  There is no telling when the attack will come; there is no time to prepare.  The pain follows wherever I go.  It comes into the shower, guards the back door, rides the waves in music, even penetrates my dreams.  Other times, it creeps up slowly, taking over the whole place, the whole body, the whole mind.  It cuts right through the core like a razor, or a knife,  or a fucking machete.  It brings back the past that I long to leave behind.  There is nowhere to go where it can’t enter.  It can’t be escaped  because it lives buried inside, with the world around only reflecting its existence.  I have come to know the many faces of pain, the unbearable footprint of emptiness it often leaves behind.  But I have also learned to welcome the pain as it makes me feel in times when the everything around seems dull.  The pain makes sense of love.  The pain shows that I am human.  While my heart weeps, I get stronger.  The pain has shown me what it’s like to be a warrior.


6 thoughts on “Pain

  1. I hear you and applaud your honesty and the strength and resilience you project as you go forward albeit with pain under your wings. I cannot truly walk/fly in your shoes but I do know how you inspire and uplift your sister and so many unknown others like me through your stupendous photographs. 
           I would only suggest something I am currently trying to do myself, which is to excise violent words from my lexicon. If we accept that we are never given a lesson we are not ready for, and that that is the most constructive way to grow out of the pain in a curriculum that is designed for our conscious development. I would suggest (only), that you consider laying down the arms of “razor, knife or machete” and renounce the fighting of a “warrior” in favor of what you are doing here with words, your photographic eye, and your seeking spirit. You have only a hint of knowing the ripple effect of your influence both near and far through these mediums that you channel. I just want you to know that you are never alone and even when you feel aloneness there is an all one ness embedded even then and there. We are one, and there is nothing to fear or fight. Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past, since we cannot change it, why not spin success out of despair, doing any less might be thought of as mal adaptive. Nobody said developing our consciousness would be easy, but know that you have people who care and love in your extended flock of friendship. 

  2. Hi Eric,
    Wow, thank you for your insightful and eloquent response. I agree, using profanity oftentimes takes away from what is being said, and I questioned using it to begin with. However, I find words to be just words and even the ones that are rater R, per say, do their justice in adding the umph to an expression. If anything, this was to portray the sense of anger, or the overwhelming feeling of frustration that comes with the greatest attack of pain. I only use profanity when I try to bring the language to its extremes. The warrior comes straight out of Buddhism…it is a peaceful warrior who can stand in the face of the world with an open heart and sadness. Thank you for following my blog. Much love and joy! Hope to meet you sooner than later.

  3. “words are just words” on one level true, but they do have their own meanings and associations by their very nature that can put people in a certain context as they read.
    And just adding “umph” with an association to violence is worth questioning the consistency of practicing and speaking, or writing, and living in peace.
    I have been having this conversation with others involved in yoga (and my feelings about the “warrior pose”, etc.), as well as in the martial arts and non-violence there.
    I think we can evolve Buddhism too in order to choose a path of peace.
    In a family, fighting or fleeing cannot be the answer, other methods of conflict resolution must be employed. “Keep your friends close, and your apparent enemies closer”. The switch from the typical male response to stress being “fight or flight” to the more female response being to “tend and befriend” makes all the sense in the world to me….I think the Rastas have it right, One Family, One Love, Now. Thanks for connecting and helping me feel like you are even closer now and that we share in an extension of family and its underpinnings of love. You are never alone my friend…
    ~ ❤ ~

  4. The photograph caught me in tiny form on my phone to look like the head of a woman bowed over in grief. You are of the light Ania, and part of you has returned there. You are the arc and the ark. Thank you for shedding your light even the light of sorrow. Our light has room for all.

  5. The face I see is facing the tree trunk, maybe you can capture it looking at a pretty well defined nose coming off above the first branch, outlined by the second bent, broken one.

  6. It hurts so very much. But you are right, it is only a reflection of love. A strange inverse. And, at times, I am glad of the pain as I feel it is keeping my little lost daughter with me. Pain makes sense of love. Very true and beautifully expressed.
    Keep fighting.

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