I am being haunted by questions, all the Whys of my life chasing me around.  I’m trying to understand this reality, these universal acts that occur without our active consent, these unpaved, bumpy roads that we find ourselves on – Lost.  I long to understand the reasons, the purpose behind each experience that changes the course of our lives so drastically.  Why did Leif have to die?  Why was he conceived, and why did I have to carry him for seven months?  Why is this a part of my path?  Why did we have to experience such an intense loss?  Why are there so many unwanted babies in this world?  Why did a baby that was so loved and wanted have to go?

I always believed that there is a higher purpose to everything that happens in our lives.  I’ve always preached it to those who were experiencing tough times, to those whom I believed were receiving lessons in their unfavorable circumstances.  But now, I am one of “those,” and the part of me that is buried beneath depths of grief is providing all the questions, fighting the idea of a higher purpose.  The part that is my Ego self wants to know why this happened to Me?  What could I have done differently?  What have I learned from this experience?  What has this prepared me for?  I grapple with these questions, this world of labyrinths and its dead ends, but all I get is more questions.  When will my life’s interrogation stop?  How long before I accept all that has been and is, and move on?  How long before I look back and see all the answers?


7 thoughts on “Questions

  1. I believe each person has a time to grieve and no one else can tell them how long. You will expend the time you need, Nathan needs. Family needs. Losing Leif has been a huge loss for us all, but the love for him surpasses everything we know. He was a gift for his short life. We knew him, we loved him, we prepared, but it was cut short. I, too, believe there is a reason for all, in my life, my heavenly father holds me through this difficult time. Know you and Nathan are being held up in love.

  2. I don’t know if I can be useful in hearing your questions though I feel alliance and hope, whether it is for those answers or just for knowing another seeker with questions as yet unanswered. We are students of life and for life.
    All that I would add though is not to think doing anything differently would have been better. The past cannot be changed so it is best forgiven. Not that we don’t fall into the same hole twice if we see a mistake, we learn, take our bruising lessons, and re-member the choice of loving

  3. Ania, what a beautiful name, Lief! May God be with you during these difficult times. I am so deeply sorry. You have such an amazing understanding and a breath taking way with words, I am in awe! I will be praying for your solace.

  4. Everything becomes so small and irrelevant every time I think of your struggle. It’s so hard to see even the slightest glimpse of light when it’s so dark all around. I pray that rays of light dry the tears of your sorrow. I am holding you very close in my heart, dear Ania. May you find peace.

  5. When I read this my heart broke into a million pieces. I’ve never met you Ania, but I know your pain. I miscarried twin girls at 24 weeks, one of my babies lived for twelve days. She was only 1lb 7oz when she was born. It was over ten years ago but when I read Questions it felt like it was yesterday. The thought of someone experiencing such heartache brought me to tears. The one thing I do know is my girls are with me every day of my life, and will always be with me. My heart is with you and I send you loving prayers for you and your family

  6. As sad as it is to know that I share this pain with others whom I have never met, it is also comforting and it speaks of life as much as it speaks of death. I feel your loss and send my love. These babies are angels who have changed our lives and showed us what it is to let go and still love. Blessings to you!

  7. I still feel haunted by the questions, they chase me around too.

    Sometimes I feel as though I have the answers just within my grasp. But then they slip through my fingers and I’m left questioning again.

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