I am being haunted by questions, all the Whys of my life chasing me around. I’m trying to understand this reality, these universal acts that occur without our active consent, these unpaved, bumpy roads that we find ourselves on – Lost. I long to understand the reasons, the purpose behind each experience that changes the course of our lives so drastically. Why did Leif have to die? Why was he conceived, and why did I have to carry him for seven months? Why is this a part of my path? Why did we have to experience such an intense loss? Why are there so many unwanted babies in this world? Why did a baby that was so loved and wanted have to go?
I always believed that there is a higher purpose to everything that happens in our lives. I’ve always preached it to those who were experiencing tough times, to those whom I believed were receiving lessons in their unfavorable circumstances. But now, I am one of “those,” and the part of me that is buried beneath depths of grief is providing all the questions, fighting the idea of a higher purpose. The part that is my Ego self wants to know why this happened to Me? What could I have done differently? What have I learned from this experience? What has this prepared me for? I grapple with these questions, this world of labyrinths and its dead ends, but all I get is more questions. When will my life’s interrogation stop? How long before I accept all that has been and is, and move on? How long before I look back and see all the answers?