Three weeks ago, on my way out to California, night after night, I had repetitive dreams about huge tidal waves. The dreams were all different. In some, I was drowning beneath them, while in others, I was simply riding and playing amidst these gigantic swells, but even then, I experienced a sense of fear, dread, and anxiety. Since I’m a very avid dreamer, remembering up to 15 dreams in full detail per night, I take them quite seriously, especially with their frequent reoccurrence. And so I looked up what tidal waves in dreams represented, and here is what I found:
“A tidal wave is a very strong symbol and can simply indicate that there is something stronger and more powerful that will just sweep us away without warning. It may symbolize our wish to protect some vulnerable family member.”
The first thing that I thought of while reading this interpretation was little Leif in my belly, whose movements have slowed over that week. I was worried about him and put my hand on my belly, only to feel him give me a strong kick a few minutes later, as if saying “I’m OK Mom, I’m here.” At least that’s what I gathered from that interaction. That same night was the last time I ever felt Leif’s movements.
It’s been so hard to look back and follow the course of events right before Leif’s death because I end up blaming myself, questioning what I could have done differently, or trying to rearrange the past that already happened and can’t be changed. But as I sat up in bed in the middle of the night last night, I remembered the waves, as I felt myself drowning, not only in my own tears, but in grief. These past two weeks have been all about dwelling in these waves of emotions, waiting for one wave to end so I can resurface and catch a breath before the next one comes in and crushes on top of me. Did I actually foresee this coming?
At times I feel that life is trying to drown me, that I won’t have enough strength to get through the next sets of tsunamis coming at me. I get beat up, held down at the bottom, only to come up with what seems like the last breath left in me, and experience a sea so calm, that all feels like a dream. I am living my dreams, and I can’t seem to wake up. Life has become spontaneous, unpredictable, deep, and demanding, and though I can’t foresee it lessen in intensity, at least I’m becoming a damn good swimmer.