Three weeks ago, on my way out to California, night after night, I had repetitive dreams about huge tidal waves.  The dreams were all different.  In some, I was drowning beneath them, while in others, I was simply riding and playing amidst these gigantic swells, but even then, I experienced a sense of fear, dread, and anxiety.  Since I’m a very avid dreamer, remembering up to 15 dreams in full detail per night, I take them quite seriously, especially with their frequent reoccurrence.  And so I looked up what tidal waves in dreams represented, and here is what I found:

“A tidal wave is a very strong symbol and can simply indicate that there is something stronger and more powerful that will just sweep us away without warning. It may symbolize our wish to protect some vulnerable family member.”

The first thing that I thought of while reading this interpretation was little Leif in my belly, whose movements have slowed over that week.  I was worried about him and put my hand on my belly, only to feel him give me a strong kick a few minutes later, as if saying “I’m OK Mom, I’m here.”  At least that’s what I gathered from that interaction.  That same night was the last time I ever felt Leif’s movements.

It’s been so hard to look back and follow the course of events right before Leif’s death because I end up blaming myself, questioning what I could have done differently, or trying to rearrange the past that already happened and can’t be changed.  But as I sat up in bed in the middle of the night last night, I remembered the waves, as I felt myself drowning, not only in my own tears, but in grief.  These past two weeks have been all about dwelling in these waves of emotions, waiting for one wave to end so I can resurface and catch a breath before the next one comes in and crushes on top of me.  Did I actually foresee this coming?

At times I feel that life is trying to drown me, that I won’t have enough strength to get through the next sets of tsunamis coming at me.  I get beat up, held down at the bottom, only to come up with what seems like the last breath left in me, and experience a sea so calm, that all feels like a dream.  I am living my dreams, and I can’t seem to wake up.  Life has become spontaneous, unpredictable, deep,  and  demanding, and though I can’t foresee it lessen in intensity, at least I’m becoming a damn good swimmer.


6 thoughts on “Waves

  1. I remember my mother telling me one time after she and my father had argued (and she knew I had heard them), that that was like the waves crashing onto the beach, and that the waves were sometimes high or low, or the tide in or out, but she wanted me to remember “our love though, is like the water, the whole ocean.”
    I would maybe bring up the idea again of the left and right hemispheres of the brain and that the intuitive side connects us almost elementally, and timelessly in ways that the thinking mind has great difficulty groking or understanding, even though those connections are integral and sustaining nonetheless. Perhaps as I was thinking waves and crashing, the picture my mother was channeling through was love. If we think of water as that which gives us, and all life fluidity, currency, maybe you can find a feeling for the water of life, rising and falling back into the sea; with waves of consciousness flowing through it and challenging our conscious mind to understand the sea change of perspective from the view of being the water, the ocean, the love. ~ ❤ ~

  2. I love you and am deeply moved and heartened by hearing from you, ania. Thank you for having the strength and willingness to keep sharing this deep, painful, mysterious unfolding. Truly trusting you, E

  3. I hope you are okay with me writing, because I do feel.
    I was sharing in my Tuesday group a sense of connectivity through the element of water and the fluidity and flexibility it allows us but also the oceanic union with wherever water is. Someone said that this was not only the Chinese Year of the Dragon, but that it was a Water Dragon, and another added “a female Water Dragon!”
    I just thought this might be something I should relay to you so you knew too.

  4. I love you writing…please keep on writing, back to me, to the world, to yourself, to whomever. I always look forward to reading what you write. Yes…the water dragon. I feel that energy through and through. I knew water was coming and I feel that I’m only knee deep so far. Perhaps I need to fully submerge to get over my fears of water. Last year was full on Earth for me, which I embraced with my Taurus moon ever so tenderly. I was told by the Spirit that water was coming next and here I am, treading through it, only to release it ever so often through my eyes. What does water signify for you?

  5. I have been looking to the elements for their inherent physical properties as minerals and molecules and building blocks but also for the psycho emotive characteristics that they impart.  Water is truly an amazing one (I heard Agnieszka saying it when I wrote amazing, there she is again! Maybe she will always be connected to my use of that word. 🙂  ) 
       I feel water as a power of all living, giving movement to all life and as a flow system for living. Water has so many different states and ways of being and influences, inflowences. 
       I came upon a stream once near the beginning of the Appalachian trail in Georgia, that came right out of the ground under a huge oak tree, in the crook of the mountains there. I could not resist slipping myself in under the tree, and into the Earth, with water flowing all around me and I pictured being at the highest tendril of one of water’s fingers and connecting me to all the rivers and the oceans and their reach. I have a poem about that I will share some day…but as I lay there, I looked to my side and there was a frog, perfectly calm, smiling as if to say “You like my place? Feel free to see and join in feeling part of the sea with me.”
    Another aspect of water is its ability to maintain its identity even when it separates as rain, snow or a cup of tea. I do not know your particular truth but still feel affinity and even infinity through you as another soul of moving water. And even with Leif whose life incorporated and manifested only inside you, I feel a connection to water’s leaps of faith as it separates from its mother the ocean and navigates in life with other elements, only eventually to return to union, to the One. We all have an urge to merge and even in creation, a yearning for returning to our source, some of us complete the journey quicker than others….
    No matter what the question, love is the answer. I am thanking you for your flow…even all the way to me! I can now take a sip of tea with thee in me. 

  6. You give voice in such a beautiful way, Ania. When Nathan told me about Leif not kicking on saturday night, I look back and I think you had an instinct that something wasn’t right. My heart goes out to you and Nathan, as you write about Leif, I, as his Grandma, my heart cries, but I know I will see him again in heaven. I have a sister, Mary Alice, that was born and died two days later, I know too, I will meet her soul in Heaven. That is my salvation. Know we love you and Nathan and our love surrounds you both during this time.

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