I used to sleep like a baby, and not one that’s teething.  Even my lover’s snores were a distant soundtrack to my astral explorations.   These nights, I awake to the heater going off.  I hear everything speaking to me, whispering my name, pulling me away from my dream world.  My sleep got lighter during pregnancy, but now it’s a whole new story.  My sub-conscious awaits the cry of a baby that is not here.  The Mama in me wants to feed a ghost in the middle of the night the milk that has already dried up.  I hear the sound of a ticking clock from another room.  What is it telling me?  What is it time for?  I crave sleep, I want to sleep, but sleep does not come.  There is the new pain under my right shoulder blade, the thirst for something that cannot be quenched, the uncomfortable pillow, the bladder a quarter full, and then there are the thoughts.  I watch them hover over me.  Who am I?  Who have I become?  I am a night owl.  An insomniac.

Nathan rents movies that he falls asleep to.  I watch them because I can’t sleep.  Most of them are crappy movies from the redbox that I don’t want to watch but I can’t turn them off because then I’m stuck with my movie, which is worse.

Sometimes I cry to exhaust myself.  I remember falling asleep after crying as a child.  It comes to me easily, almost too naturally.  All I have to do is think of Leif, connect to that space of emptiness in my soul, and tears come up and roll out in numbers, like armies of ants.  I feel them trickle down my cheeks, entertained by the sensations they create.  The wells empty out but I still can’t sleep.  I’m left with a stuffy nose and a headache.

I scan my thoughts that come and go, trying hard to detach and observe.  I don’t know where they come from, but there are so many.  I’m flooded with inquiries, with the childlike curiosity of what this life means.  What is my purpose here?  I’m searching for the real in reality, breaking down solidity into particles, concepts into words, into syllables.  I’m learning a whole new alphabet.  I’m learning.  This experience has become my teacher.  With each new question, the burst of every new bubble I create, I’m taught something significant.

Perhaps I needed all this to wake up from the illusion of a perfect tomorrow, to bring me into the now.  As I lie there awake, there is only the now.  There is only the being, here in this space, and feeling what it’s like to be human.  In the sleepless hours of the night, under the fullness of the gleaming Leo moon, I am awake to the world, completely open to receive.  As I finally surrender, sleep creeps up and I’m cradled in a womb, drifting into the silence of the dawn.

7 thoughts on “Awake

  1. Ania you write so evocatively and with such a real feeling that I well up and tears that were yours are now mine too. And there again the waters that are apart are not and come together in belief in a way that gives hope in the face of the unfathomable. Yes, in those teardrops are reunions between humans all over the world but joined in you and in me and all who have come to see life in Leif as a surge of consciousness that has completed his mission and like a leaf returned to his source. Your quest for answers is echoed in my mind and I am sure many others’, but as you yearn to learn there is also a love therein that emanates from the heart, and from the love of learning, and the mother of all creation, whether we feel apart or a part, we too must learn, until we too return. Blessings to you my wave-ing friend, you are indeed a strong swimmer in currents such as these.

  2. “Giving” LIFE to death…… Friend…. You are choosing, wandering, deciding, growing, living, feeling, crying……. I am honored and awed to witness this chapter. You are a beautiful soul with an unstoppable desire to express….

    So much love….

  3. My beautiful and sweet Ania… As God said one day…”hold my hand very tight, only because you don’t feel it doesn’t mean I’m not there” so it is Leif!!! Not a long time to get to meet, but what you had and experienced is part of something big and important in your life, perhaps the biggest event yet, maybe the biggest ever. But the pieces now to be picked up will be the pieces that are made and left in your hands for you to form your new tomorrow. Everything in this life and in others happen for a reason and even though that reason doesn’t seem to make much sense, the answer you will find when ready for it, right now you need to heal, to nurture yourself, to make sure that there will be someday another person to care and to look after, but only when ready… Don’t forget! So make sure for now not to kill yourself with so many questions and interrogants that storm in your head day and night, those answer will come or maybe they are already there but not yet for you to see, find or know, God is a very wise man, call him God or energy or destiny or shanti or light or whatever he is for you, but the wise and the powerful strength exist and it has lots of influence on & in each and everyone of us. So keep going my sweet darling, I know you feel like you don’t want to at times, but you will survive this in your heart and soul, and those two will become stronger and tighter and more powerful than before and it will be then when your new present will be, ready for you to fill it and to make the best out of it!
    I send you a big, the biggest and strongest hug, I’m there with you just like God (in the form of energy) and I’m here for whenever you need anything or a friend!
    Please don’t be so hard on yourself, you are special, a sweet thing and a human being that will pass by and look back and say to yourself: “ahh! That’s why, but here I am now ready for what comes next!”

  4. Dear swimmer, thank you for plying new waters for us. You not only stimulate but in other ways quench a thirst for exploring the grist of life, and not alone but together. We are together to gather together in seeking the nourishment and liquidity to feed our consciousness what it needs to grow and flow…
    I thank you as always for being so evocative in leading and signaling to this school of fish to feel union beyond self to Self. One voice, one moment, now.
    We are always/never alone/all•one.
    And our teacher and perfect curriculum are always in front of us in their infinite wisdom and guises. (Way, ballad, manner, or form are some of the early roots of the word guise.)

  5. You amaze me with your writing. You have a unique talent to express your innermost feelings and thoughts. Not many people, not even the highest educated, can write as well as you. It is a true dichotomy to love so deeply a person and at the same time to be unattached. It doesn’t make any sense. Just understanding that, that it doesn’t make sense can perhaps bring some peace and comfort, to be able to live in the moment and to be content.

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