I’m bored with food, even when I’m hungry. There is nothing that I crave, no food that I’m in the mood for. The taste is bland, and no amount of spices can make it any better. I cried tonight because I looked at a piece of fish after not eating for seven hours and nothing about it excited me. It was a piece of wild caught salmon, food that used to satisfy my soul, and now it’s just a piece of dead fish lacking flavor that I feel so sorry for. It has given its life to sustain me, and I can’t even appreciate it. I look for food to satisfy me, to somehow fill this empty space, but it just doesn’t seem to do the trick.
I am so sad. I realized tonight that I live between two worlds – the one in which I cry and get overpowered by feelings, and the one where I don’t feel much. I weave in and out of these worlds, making the switch in my sub-conscious mind. There is no choosing. It chooses me. While I’m in one world, the other one seems far away. The world of my past in which I used to look forward to the next day, where I used to laugh and feel light, that world seems to have disappeared altogether. I’m left with the memory and the hope that someday I will return there.
I write from a place of grief. I write to relieve some of these feelings, to transcribe what goes on the inside to the world outside. I write to share and to touch those places that lack emotion. But as I read my posts once the switch is made from one world to the other, I feel completely detached, as if it was someone else who wrote those words, who exposed themselves so nakedly. I listen to people express their sorrows for my grief and look at them, wanting so badly to console them. I want to say, “Don’t be sorry. Don’t feel sad. I’m not.” And I mean it in my mind, for sorry is not what I feel when feelings are not present. But then I go home and I try to make dinner and I look at a piece of fish and feel sorry. I feel sad for the fish, for the world, for myself.
When I’m numb, I long to feel. When I feel, I crave numbness. I’m lost in a sea of suffering and I want to find my way out. I pray for it to end. I’m trying to keep everything together but feel myself coming apart at the seams. I want to run and hide but there is nowhere I can go where I won’t find myself.
I’m slowly melting down…