It’s been almost four weeks since I delivered Leif. I remember being at the hospital and wishing that I was not a part of the present. I wanted to teleport into the future, to at least a month from where I was. And here I am now, almost a month away from then, and a part of me is still longing to be in the future, the time when the pain will be gone. But will the pain ever really be gone? And is the pain ever really that bad? I truly believe that the Universe never gives us more than we can handle. The grieving process is beautiful in its own way. It has gotten me in touch with reality more than any other experience in the past. It has put me in the present moment, even when at times, I wish so much that I could escape it. It is in the present moment that I can really feel myself being alive.
There is suffering everywhere in the world. It is part of life. However, it is the perspective and the attitude that we take on the suffering that manages its intensity and duration. I believe the worst kind of suffering is the mental kind. I cannot say that a person starving or being subjected to atrocious genocide is suffering more than the CEO of some corporation, always on the go, always craving power and money, always dissatisfied. I am in no way a judge in whose misery is easier or worse. The starving person can have an understanding, the in-depth wisdom that recognizes the lessons and the blessings in every moment and situation. Meanwhile, someone who we perceive as successful and happy could be tortured by his/her mind, by lack of love. We just never know and yet assumptions, judgments, and projections come to us so easily, muddling authentic reality.
Suffering is suffering, no matter what form it shows up in. Pain and suffering are Universal languages. I am learning this innate language. I feel connected to those who are experiencing pain, for we share this collective theme. I listened to Democracy Now the other day and heard a 10-year-old Afghan girl testify against American soldiers for coming into her house in the middle of the night and murdering her family. I cried in that moment for her loss. Losing an entire family can be seen as much worse than losing a fetus, but pain is pain, regardless of its circumstance. And in that pain, I can feel the pain of the world. My grief is teaching me about compassion. It has taken me out of my little Universe and opened me up to the world outside. I am being shown the way to Love all beings, realizing that anyone might be suffering. With small steps at a time, I am changing perspective on my own suffering. I’m acquiring a new found sense of gratitude, inspired to be a more compassionate and loving human.