I used to believe that if you truly love someone, you should set them free, and if they come back, then it was meant to be.  These days, I fight for love, believing that letting it go is giving up, and in that, a weakness.  Today, I had been set free, and maybe in the future, I will taste that freedom, but what I feel right now is nothing resembling a bird out of the cage.  On the contrary, I feel as if his love was never real.  I feel heartbroken and betrayed.

They say that over 90% of couples who lose a baby simply don’t make it.  The grief and the stress is too much.  I thought we beat the odds.  I truly believed that we were indestructible, because our love was just that strong.  I stripped down to the very core, stood there completely naked, lowered all guards, and exposed my vulnerability.  He then turned his head because what he saw was weakness, and I was meant to be his strong queen.  He missed to notice just how much strength resides in vulnerability.   He refused to witness the work.

How many times can one hit the same wall and not think to walk around it, instead of finally deciding to walk away?  How can one love and not want to do the work to make it real and lasting?  Relationship is work.  It is a beautiful opportunity for our demons to surface, and with the gentleness of our lovers’ touch, we can slay them together.  But work takes time, patience, and discipline.  Relationship takes commitment to get through it all, even the shit that’s not pleasant.  Isn’t that a big part of life?  To find that perfect union that fulfills us and challenges us at the same time?  But one needs to want to make it happen, to shift, and jump hurtles.

I have been labeled many things – a lover, a hypocrite, a child, an asshole, weak, kind, strong, sensitive, a yogi, an alcoholic, etc.  The point is that I am IT ALL.  I become one and then transcend to another.  I screw up and I do things right.  I am a deep, multi-dimensional being.  And each one of these dimensions only desires to love and be loved.  Why could he not love me in my most tender states, the ones that needed his love and support the most?

I am reliving deep pain from my parents.  My childhood is swallowing me up and I feel helpless, floating in this space with no ground.  Have I invested just way too much?  Where have I lost all my power?

I don’t want to become jaded.  I don’t want to stop believing in love.  I don’t want to lose trust.  I want to find freedom within love, not outside of it.  But we all love so differently, speaking foreign languages, so where can we find that common ground?  How can we really see one another for what is truly there?

And so the deep grief begins…anew.


6 thoughts on “Heartbreak

  1. Good woman, this is how we are hammered into gold, yes? The alchemy of the heart and mind in the space where we meet as separate beings. Suffer gladly, lion-heart.

  2. mmmmm a lot of what your writing about i have had to use on my self in my relationship with myself and my body. and I have the same fucking questions sometime. LOVE. the hardest thing to do..LOVE the most rewarding thing you can ever feel.

  3. Oh Sweet-lady. My heart weeps with you. I know these painful places you sit in.

    ” He missed to notice just how much strength resides in vulnerability. He refused to witness the work.”
    But you haven’t. And that’s what matters most.

    “Why could he not love me in my most tender states, the ones that needed his love and support the most?”
    This is such a vulnerable inquiry. Nothing is more challenging than unrequited love. The limits of another’s ability to love present an opportunity for us to face our own limits to love. Where is it in you to love him even in his own weakness, as you want him to love you in yours? Whose to say his love is lost forever, the journey of relationship has tunnels of its own that block the light and surrender us to the unknown.

    “Where have I lost all my power?”
    Lol! You haven’t lost a shred. It’s all right here in this beautiful and exposed share. But the opportunity presenting itself to you is to let go of the places you cling for security and notice all the ways you feel incomplete on your own. Your lover may come and go according to the tides in his own heart, but your own contentment with your life remains constant. Surely the grief and sadness are real and must be felt but do not allow them to conceal the beauty that you make of your life all on your own.

    “I don’t want to become jaded. I don’t want to stop believing in love. I don’t want to lose trust. I want to find freedom within love, not outside of it.”
    So long as you depend on another for fulfillment, you risk all that you fear. But that will not be your fate. You’re too far along for such setbacks to last very long.

    Heartbreak is simply the heart breaking open to make room for even deeper ways of love. If this were not so, then why would we be caring so much about it? In the caring we find new places for love to grow.

  4. This is perhaps a self centered aside, but i decided to share my payh with yours. I hear you and in some ways feel on the other side of the fence having just divorced my wife of 30+ years. I at times felt incapable of the work as you or she might have seen it. After all, I am who I am. I must be loving myself as I am, more than changing in some deeper way to match my spouse’s unmet needs.
     I guess my self confidence is not dependent on an outside affirmation. But even if I affirm and am loyal and caring, I had trouble with a partner who still questioned my love and did so by lashing out albeit perhaps yes when she wanted or needed the opposite. “I hate you, don’t leave me.”
    However, I am at a stage where I feel my answer must become “I love you, I have to leave you!” I cannot be the scapegoat for her lack of completeness or self confidence. Of course I am saying all this not about you or him, but just myself. And my own self-centerdness goes toward narcissism according to my ex- .
    I am saddened to not complete our lives under one roof but I also believe that it is best for us both. For my self I know I am more at peace, when I am no longer in the expectations, for better or for worse of someone else as a spouse. This is my experience and only that, and I have only married once.  But the woman I was attracted to was at least complimentary if not opposite. They say opposites attract, perhaps since they have what we do not, and help “complete” us. In my case there was certainly a mix of similar and not, but I think I have reassessed my posture and at least now would look for someone more similar in interests and ways because the dissimilar was too grating, and unlike me because my nature was, well, different.  As much as I believe in the ultimate union in all of us, and that the challenge to overcome differences is a good one, I am admitting perhaps not defeat but a recognition that I need to do something different since after 30 years, I have done my utmost and it is never enough. Fighting for love is not for me. For us both to unfetter from each other and fetter up to our own response abilities will hopefully be empowering and put a self generated wind under our wings. 
    But who am I to talk? I just say this all as my own walk. And that I am always here to lend an ear, to hear. Whether useful or not, I am grateful to share our walks, rhyming or not, on our way home, om, where that heart is. 

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